Seeking Love With Wisdom

I just finished reading "I Am Legend" by Richard Matheson for the second time. Fascinating read. There was a line in it that has echoed and matched my own thoughts and feelings about love and the fears of giving into love's vulnerability ...

"He suddenly realized that he had become an ill-tempered and inveterate bachelor again. He no longer thought about his wife, his child, his past. The present was enough. And he was afraid of the possible demand that he make sacrifices and accept responsibility again. He was afraid of giving out his heart, or removing the chains he had forged around it to keep emotion prisoner. He was afraid of loving again."

And with those fears of seeking and opening up to love again, I try to counter them with the wisdom of my favorite poet - Rumi, "Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it."

One day...

Maybe...

One day...

But until then I will just be content with myself and allow myself the freedom of unbarred adventures. Reach goals and become the sunrise after a very dark and lonely night.

Journal Entry: 10/30/09 1:46 AM

I want the bullet, I want it deep in my chest. Deep till it causes death; death or change.

I want the sun to burn out my eyes. Burn them so I never see again; never see again or start seeing things clearly.

I want sleep to take me to a dark room. A dark room without a door; without a door or with one that leads to you and perfection.

I want to stare at the ceiling and watch it turn red to black as I hold my breath; till this all ends.

Love Cures The Enemy

I see the animals
We talk and know each other
Like the air knows a breeze
And oceans connect and make the sea

Your love’s a waterfall
You smile and curtains of love surround me
Your eyes could cure all disease
Succor the poison, draw it out and set me free

See, see with your eyes closed
You’re blind cause they are open

Dream, dream – cause you’ve been given
The gift to create your world

Fear is the enemy
Fear is the enemy
And love cures the enemy

We’re free without the leash
Without war; without hatred destroying our peace
Our skin is not a disease
It is a symbol that we’re human and should be free

Just as we need air to breathe
We need love to change what we see
So when the sun does goes down
Fear of the darkness dispels as we find ourselves
Find ourselves in the stars

Our world is tangible to our touch
Malleable to the strength of our love

A Thick Wall of Frustration

Patience is a subtle internal substance that is killing me slowly. I try to be patient with my goals and desires but when setbacks hit, some internal force slams against me, seizing my desire to continue to fight for my end-all goals. I know that stress is the trigger to my internal time bomb and that if I could just allow myself to look at the big picture and not just minuet pieces of the puzzle then I would see myself catching the wave and riding it, instead of letting it take me under and drown me.

Day 9: Insomniac Montage of a Sleepless Battleground

Insomniac Montage of a Sleepless Battleground

There is something wrong in my mind.
What could it be? What could it be?
Lack of sleep: disrupting my complacency.

I’m going, I’m going, I’m going crazy.
I’m going, I’m going, outside of my head.

The interdependencies of mind, mind and body,
Clash, clash the curtains viewing reasons to sleep.
The inner machine favors insanity,
So does time as it never stops ticking and ticking,
And ticking - parallel to my mind.

I’m going, I’m going, I’m going crazy.
I’m going, I’m going, outside of my head.

Day 8: Preternatural Connections

It is surreal, the feelings that comes from experiencing a connection with someone at a higher than normal level. The freedom that is shared through unabridged speech and feelings pricks my skin and I yearn for the stimulating conversation to never end. Sometimes the interaction and speech is at a very deep level of intelligence and other times it is a witty and comically offhand level that draws a laughter that is much needed in this decaying world. If you can laugh then you are doing okay. If you can laugh then you know that you are most likely happy (at least momentarily), because it is very, very hard to laugh while in a unhappy state, in fact sometimes I wonder if it even is possible to laugh at something unless you are happy.

As you can see, once again, I’m writing deep into the early morning (nearly a quarter to 4 AM). Will the sleep that my body rejects ever come and revive the part of my mind that desperately needs the rest? My current trends answer no, not unless a very strong sleeping pill is thrown into the equation, which if I can help it I’d prefer not to lean towards that choice.

Day 7: Insomnia Effects

Today as I lay in bed sick, I realized that there are some key components of staying healthy in life that my body has tried to banish that I need back into my life. The biggest and most important one is sleep, followed by regular exercise (this includes eating right).

In high school I developed insomnia (which I have a vague idea of some specify instances that might of triggered it), which is something that I haven’t found an end-all solution to. This insomnia hits me in cycles, sometimes I will have the ability to wind down and sleep normally for a few days or weeks, and then other times I will have trouble sleeping for days, weeks, or months. Since my recent life changing experiences (i.e. divorce), the insomnia has hit me with a lot more driving force and I have been experiencing sleepless night more and more often. I’ve spoken to a doctor about my insomnia (not as the primary subject, the primary subject being the migraines I have and the secondary subject being my insomnia), and he agrees that my insomnia is causing me to have the serve migraines that I have.

I feel like if I could get my life back on a healthy schedule of sleeping right and mix that in with regular exercise then I will start to see my sleep schedule start to get back to a more reliable schedule (not to say that I will not experience the insomnia from time to time). If I can do that, then I think that I might be able to defeat this sickness that I have.

Day 6: Forgiveness in Perspective

Is there any true defined line of tolerance (and or forgiveness) when someone continually wrongs you? I know that answer is no, but at the same time, a strong part of me wants to put off the end result of forgiveness. I know that is part of the “human” nature, and as I am still just a human that will most likely be my initial response to the situation. But the question I have to pose to myself is this: “Is the action that was against me going to really matter in a year, a month, a week, or tomorrow.” If I can answer no to any part of that question then I know that it is a waste of my time not to swallow my pride and just forgive.

Day 5: Insomnia: Gift or Curse?

Sometimes I feel like the night owns me more than the day. During the early part of the morning I feel like I’m walking up a steep hill and then around mid day my energy levels level out and I’m fine, but miraculously, around 11 PM to the early hours of the morning I am hit with a wave of energy. Is this energy that bursts inside me at early hours of the morning a curse or a gift? On my physical body and sleep schedule it is defiantly a hindrance, however, on aspects of out-of-box thinking and creativity, the night has been the yellow brick road to a lot my creativity and self-discoveries.

At times I wish that the day didn’t end at 24 hours and that it was extended another 10 hours. Maybe then I’d take advantage of a fraction of that additional time rest my body (probably not; I have a hard time letting my body rest because there is so much that I could be doing and accomplishing - not to mention that my mind is very active and never slows down).

When the yellow brick road lays before you… Skip down the sucker. When the darkness of night convinces you to shut your eyes… Find the yellow brick road with your eyes closed and… Skip down the sucker. When you are not dreaming you should always be dreaming.

Day 4: The Cliff's Edge

Sometimes it is hard to step away from the edge of a cliff. We first start by leaning our heads almost as to cross the plane of the edge that marks the beginning of the wide open space below; just to catch a glimpse of the view. Then we take a step further (promising ourselves that we will be careful to not get too close so we don’t slip and fall), getting a clear view as we cross the horizontal plane of rock and dirt. What was once hidden from our views now lays wide open before us – beautiful: an ecstasy of sensations pulls through our bodies and pin pricks flush our face, bringing a numbing sensation with it. At this point the rush of indescribable sensations pulsates through our veins and our heart begins to rush in a death march, faster and faster. Before we realize it, the toes of our feet have already crossed the cliff’s edge and we begin questioning ourselves, asking ourselves what it would feel like to jump, to fall through the open air, fall to the end of our existence.

I think that there are times in our lives when we approach the edge of our moral cliffs, sometimes out of sheer curiosity, and sometimes out of the fear of the judgments of others. Sometimes we have already built up a default of command to what we will and will not do. Some of us wouldn’t have even approached the “same” cliff as others might, because they already have already marked that specific “cliff” as dangerous or might have seen someone close to them slip and fall down this specific cliff (maybe surviving the fall and maybe not). But for whatever reason they have already marked it with yellow “danger” tape and kept their distance – that is not to say that there are not other cliffs that are more appealing to them, cliffs that draw the adrenaline rush as this one does to others.

If we don’t analyze our landscape (or lives), from time to time then we find ourselves standing toes-over-edge with cliffs more and more often, until the “inevitable” plunge downward seems too great to resist and we plunge head deep into the abyss below. As we come to (if we ever do) we realized the darkness of the abyss that we are in. We now realize why others have marked this specific cliff edge for themselves as dangerous and we wish we would have marked it too.

Every abyss is filled with darkness (in all cases the darkness is caused because we won’t open our eyes and begin the process of climbing out), but just as there is darkness in the pit of the abyss, there is also a bright light that shines once you cross the lip of the abyss. And though you might not reach the supreme light that exists on the lips edge for sometime there is still light that radiates into the hole (as a rope – sometimes these are friends and loved ones) that can help us through the darkness, through the dim shadows, through the faintest light, until we are strong enough to reach the unshielded light beyond the cliffs edge. Then we are strong enough to mark that cliff “dangerous” with our yellow tape and keep our distance.

Day 3: Action and Reaction

It is amazing the emotional impact that the actions of others and ourselves can have on our progression. I wonder what changes occur inside our minds and bodies that cause us to experience these different moods: sadness, anger, pain, etc. What is it that causes the sensations of pain to target around our heart? Are the sensations of physical pain actually true physical pains or are they only psychological pains?

In either case, maybe the way to remove these “pains” would be best done by replacing them with things opposite to that of pain: happiness, joy, laughter, etc. The hard part about making these physical and internal changes is that something has to be done in order for a change to occur. Once an action has occurred that would cause pain, it is very easy for us to sit back and let the pain continue to eat at us. But if we can and will not allow ourselves to remain stagnant and continue with our lives, then change is very possible.

There are things that we can change and there are things that we have to accept and learn from as we can. Whether these consequences of pain are actual physical pains or psychological pains is not the most important thing, it is whether we are going to stay in these “pains” or if we are going to focus on an escape plan to change what we can.

“The key to change… is to let go of fear.” – Rosanne Cash

“For everything you have missed, you have gained something else, and for everything you gain, you lose something else.” – Ralph Waldo Emerson

Day 2: Happiness vs. Unhappiness

When is it self-evident that we are in a state of joy? Is it when we have all that we desire (as in material items), or can joy be obtained when we are in a state of nothingness? I could already argue that having material possessions will not bring the ultimate happiness that we desire; ultimate happiness only comes from sharing a bond of love between those around us; the ultimate love spawning joy would be the love for someone that we would be willing to give our lives and die for (that is complete selflessness, that is love).

I think that there are three things that need to be apparent in order to reap ultimate happiness and joy.

1. Love of God
2. Love of others
3. Love of self
= Joy and Happiness

As you noticed all of them have to do with love. Where love is, happiness can be there as well. But if you changed the word “love” to fear (not hate, that is a common misconception – fear breeds hate, not the reverse), then we would see the pathway to unhappiness.

1. Fear of God
2. Fear of others
3. Fear of self
= Unhappiness

Day 1 of a New Year

I don’t know what it is exactly, but the fact is that being the odd one out is lonely. I don’t care if you are with some of the closest people in your life, the reality is that when those individuals that you are amongst you are surrounded with a special person in their life and you are left with nothing but yourself you begin to wither inside (unless you can push past the natural feeling of being human and rely on your own self dependence; easier said than done). I’m not stating that having this feeling of loneliness will always be something that takes over the moment, but that it comes when you are in a state of oneness and when it comes it feels like a knife cutting you to the core.

I’ve been up at my grandparent’s cabin, enjoying myself for the most part, but over the last day I’ve been hit overwhelmingly with this feeling inside. Seeing my brothers with their girlfriends and even seeing my parents and uncle and aunt together, happy, and absorbed in the love of the person in their lives. I feel like the moon in the sky without another like moon to share that night sky with. Instead of experiencing a like union, all the connecting stars surround me and I can’t wait for the night to pass so that I can end my awkward presence in the night sky.

Fear is the result of allowing logic to completely control our actions. If we could just allow ourselves to push logic aside enough to allow the seeds of love to be cultivated then we would see a change in our lives. Logic tells us that love is illogical and can only weaken our ability to live freely, but that is a fallacy; love is the only force strong enough to tame the emotions that weaken us. That doesn’t mean that we will never feel the consequences that pains and loss bring, but it will lay a foundation that when they do come we will not build walls that would impede on our progression, but it will allow us to gather up our footing and move on.

I’m still trying to both gather up my footing to move on and I’m trying to be sure that my footing is founded on solid ground; ground that allows me to try and try, without the fear of slipping or tripping as I progress forward. I know that if I can allow my heart to open up, just a little bit, to the impact love can have on the human life, then I will see the seed of love sprout abundant fruit of joy. This will require action; however, action that will require me to do things that would seem a little out of the natural comfort zone of a “normal” human being. By doing so, I will not only reap from the actions of love (producing inward joy), but I will also reap the impact this has on other individuals that this love is directed towards.

Thinking about the duel impact that this has, it has become ever apparent of the value that this could have (if we don’t hide from it and if we do it genuinely for the purpose of good; that can include impacting ourselves – not just the primary beneficiary), we could in a very real sense change the world if we could all catch this vision, catch this fever of love.

Third Skydiving Jump

Yesterday, I once again plunged out of an airplane. It seems that lately, every time I get into a plane I get the urge to jump out of it. This time, however, I decided to bring a date. This was a first for my date and it was fun to see her face once we got on the ground after the jump. On the drive up she was scared and for a moment I didn't know if she was going to go through with it.

After skydiving we drove back to Orem and picked up some subs from Subway and drove up Provo Canyon. We went to bridal veil falls and as we walked to the falls we ate our subs and had a good chat. She didn't have a clue where were we were going, since she had not been to the falls before, and it was fun to show her some places that she had not ever seen before.

On our way back from Bridal Veil Falls I pulled into UVU's parking lot and got out of my car and told her to get in the driver seat. She was very hesitant and scared but in the end I coxed her into the driver seat and tried to teach her how to drive a stick. She killed the car two or three times. At that point I again took command and flipped my Porsche around so that we were heading on a downward slope. I then told her to get in the drive seat and to just gently release the pressure on the clutch and it would automatically ease into gear. So, she got to drive a Porsche and it was really fun to see her reaction.

Dreaming on the Floor for 15 Minutes

I'm standing here in some empty room, nothing beyond me, just my presence. I raise my right arm high in the air and crane my hand in a tight stretched out form toward my mouth. My mouth unhinges and my hand slowly descends into the wetness of my mouth. I slowly urge my arm forward until the back of my throat opens up and allows the mass of my arm through its gates. My arm dislocates and the form of my arm continues to disappear until my elbow passes the pillars of teeth and my shoulder refuses passage of the other members attached. My belly is now filled with an arm, but not just any arm, but my own arm and I can feel the warmth of my insides below.

Reunion of Friends

Tonight I went to one of my really good old friends concerts in Provo. It is bazaar sometimes how quickly people grow and change over such a short span of time. I feel like I just barely stopped playing music with my good friend and now that I see him now we have both changed internally and externally. But even though there is change (and there always will be) there is still something that draws us together and that splices us together and nothing, not time, not loss, not struggles will rip this unity away from us.

The Aiplane and Moving Truck Are Out Front

August 1, 2009 I decided to again test my insanity and jump out of an airplane. Well the verdict is in and I am insane, but aren’t we all in our own way? And who would want to live a sane and boring life anyways. I will test the limits of life, set monstrous goals, and set out to accomplish the seemingly impossible. Why you may ask… because if you don’t allow yourself to live, then you’re allowing yourself to die.

On a separate note, I’m in the process of cleaning out my apartment and moving to Orem. Normally this wouldn’t be anything that would be a “painful” task, but as I have been digging up the past and finding memories of my “perfect” marriage, it couldn’t be anything short of Hell (and yes, that does include pain).

I am relieved to make the change (something I just noticed as I typed the word “relieved”… doesn’t it resemble the puzzle piece “RE-LIVE”), it will help me to create a new beginning to my life and start a new chapter and phase.

I'm Still Dreaming of Her

Last night I woke up at 3:34 A.M., I was fighting back the tears, because I was having a hard time excepting that what I had just experienced in my dreams wasn’t real.

I remember very little of the actual content of my dream, but what I do remember vividly is that Anna decided to come back. I remember kissing her, it was real and I don’t care what anyone says, it was as real as the times we kissed in this reality that we live in. I remember just holding her, holding her and talking, and seeing her smile.

Then I woke up and she wasn’t there, she wasn’t in my arms, and I had no one to hold me and talk with me. That’s when my pain barrier burst and my chest was about to cave in. I tried to keep the tears back, but I couldn’t help it, my eyes because moist none the less.

I miss that smile and her kiss. I miss the moments when I could stare into her eyes and see beyond this life into something more. But all that I could stare into now was the darkness of an empty room, empty arms, empty eyes, empty heart and soul. She still has my heart and soul, but I’m trying to find the pieces that she left behind… and the ones I will never find, I will create a new.

The Beginning of a New Life

It has been three and a half months since my ex-wife left me. The pain still hasn’t gone away, and I don’t think that it will ever fully be removed from my being. The piece of my heart that she took with her will always be gone and there will always be a deep scare in its place.

Now that things are final, I’m trying to find out who I am and what I want in my life. I realized that for the last 4 years that I was with Anna that I didn’t get (or take) the chance to truly explore myself and shape and attack my goals and passions. In a way I’m gain myself back, gaining my freedom back, and am learning what it is like to live “my life”.

It is hard to let go of the past and let the memories of it stay behind me, but as I do leave the past behind me and remove the daily memories from my view, I am finding hope for the things to come. I will, someday, find a connection with someone that will even surpass the love and connection that I shared with Anna, even if at this point I have a hard time ever believing that I will.

Boston Logan International Airport

I haven't been able to get to sleep before 2 A.M. for the last 10 days. Part of it has been because of choice and the other part has been because of my travel schedule I have had for the last week and a half. Today, however, I am dragging on 2 hours of sleep because of my "scheduled" 6:45 A.M. flight this morning.

I am sitting at gate A14 at the Boston Logan International Airport and have been sitting around the airport since 8 A.M. (EST).

It started out with me approaching one of the attendant about my flight. When they looked up my itinerary, I was told that my flight had been canceled and that I would miss my flight. As you can imagine, I ready to have a conniption and to share some choice words with the lady helping me (which I'm glad I didn't - there is no need to make someone else's day bad just because of my bad luck). The Delta Representative had me call American Airlines about the issue because I booked my flight through them and that my flight return home was just a Delta Connection flight. When I spoke with them I was told that my flight had been canceled and that they couldn't help me out. After telling the Delta Representative this I was told to go and speak with one of the supervisors for American Airlines.

In the end, I had another flight booked for this evening (5 P.M. departing and 8:30 P.M. arriving) and they compted me for the flight that I was supposed to be on that they canceled my ticket. I should be mad and upset, but I'm trying to rise above it and be the bigger person.

While I was waiting to be able to check in I met someone named Abraham. He is 21, lives in Boston and works for Delta on the ground crew. He is also a Marine and has been working with Delta for the 8 years off and on between his missions as a Marine. I learned a lot about what he does and some of the great perks of working for Delta Airlines. For example: he told me that he can travel free to anywhere in the world any time he wants to (and I'm talking first class). He told me that if he works for them for 10 years and then retires that he will be able to travel for the rest of his life for free as well as his family. It was really fun talking with him and we exchanged information and he told me that he wants to come to Utah in the next month or so because he hasn't been there (he has been everywhere, but Utah) and that we could meet up and I would show him around.