Bloodshot

2:29 AM

Eyes shot with blood,
And bloodshot without love.
Thinking sleep won't come,
Heavy eyes draw shut,
And prove to me I'm wrong.

Just Like Dreams

I still see your face in my dreams,
And your smile is like summer never went away.
But there's snow on the ground,
And I'm afraid it's here to stay.

Just like summer...
I wish love never fades away.

But just as the summers fade,
You fade away.
And just as the leaves turn gray,
Your love blows away...
And is covered in snow.

I still lie here awake,
Cause it's too damn cold in this bed.
And I am scared of sleep and fear I'll always be,
Cause in my dreams you still love me.

Just like dreams...
I wish love never fades away.

But just as the dreams fade,
Your love fades away.
And I'm just like the cursed and damned,
Cause you walk away...
And leave me covered in tears.

11/3/09 1:29 AM

Teeth invisible,
Jaws outstretched,
Eyes wide shut.
And still I walk in,
Walk in holding my breath.

Why can't I smell the blood?
The rotting scent of decay?
The victims before me....
Or my own blood,
As it pours from lack of constraint.

Inner Comatose

My curse is on the table
Allow the poison its choice of veins
Cause the numbness is inevitable
As a train - it comes screaming my name

Screaming…
I need this Russian roulette
I need the adrenaline pulsing
I need my heart to pound as my mind begs
To know if this bullets bluffing

Cause the slower I breathe
The easier it is to say I’ve lost my mind
But if I hyperventilate
My logic can’t catch on that I’m a madman

And if I know then the bullet knows too
Even more reason to never breathe slow again

The Bitter Tasting Cure

Cause the blood drips quicker then your lungs can breathe. Maybe there is saving in each breathe. But the breathing can't save the heart that bleeds quicker then a life saving breath. Fuck the hope of living then...
Come friend and taste the cure. The cure of the hopelessness we fight with our open fists of trust. We trust that the fear wont remain and turn the rocks of hate into dust. But fate brings us screaming to the end... The end where we endlessly lust.
We smile cause we can't chase the living ghosts out of us. And we trust.

Seeking Love With Wisdom

I just finished reading "I Am Legend" by Richard Matheson for the second time. Fascinating read. There was a line in it that has echoed and matched my own thoughts and feelings about love and the fears of giving into love's vulnerability ...

"He suddenly realized that he had become an ill-tempered and inveterate bachelor again. He no longer thought about his wife, his child, his past. The present was enough. And he was afraid of the possible demand that he make sacrifices and accept responsibility again. He was afraid of giving out his heart, or removing the chains he had forged around it to keep emotion prisoner. He was afraid of loving again."

And with those fears of seeking and opening up to love again, I try to counter them with the wisdom of my favorite poet - Rumi, "Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it."

One day...

Maybe...

One day...

But until then I will just be content with myself and allow myself the freedom of unbarred adventures. Reach goals and become the sunrise after a very dark and lonely night.

Journal Entry: 10/30/09 1:46 AM

I want the bullet, I want it deep in my chest. Deep till it causes death; death or change.

I want the sun to burn out my eyes. Burn them so I never see again; never see again or start seeing things clearly.

I want sleep to take me to a dark room. A dark room without a door; without a door or with one that leads to you and perfection.

I want to stare at the ceiling and watch it turn red to black as I hold my breath; till this all ends.