Last night I woke up at 3:34 A.M., I was fighting back the tears, because I was having a hard time excepting that what I had just experienced in my dreams wasn’t real.
I remember very little of the actual content of my dream, but what I do remember vividly is that Anna decided to come back. I remember kissing her, it was real and I don’t care what anyone says, it was as real as the times we kissed in this reality that we live in. I remember just holding her, holding her and talking, and seeing her smile.
Then I woke up and she wasn’t there, she wasn’t in my arms, and I had no one to hold me and talk with me. That’s when my pain barrier burst and my chest was about to cave in. I tried to keep the tears back, but I couldn’t help it, my eyes because moist none the less.
I miss that smile and her kiss. I miss the moments when I could stare into her eyes and see beyond this life into something more. But all that I could stare into now was the darkness of an empty room, empty arms, empty eyes, empty heart and soul. She still has my heart and soul, but I’m trying to find the pieces that she left behind… and the ones I will never find, I will create a new.
Friday, July 31, 2009
Sunday, July 26, 2009
The Beginning of a New Life
It has been three and a half months since my ex-wife left me. The pain still hasn’t gone away, and I don’t think that it will ever fully be removed from my being. The piece of my heart that she took with her will always be gone and there will always be a deep scare in its place.
Now that things are final, I’m trying to find out who I am and what I want in my life. I realized that for the last 4 years that I was with Anna that I didn’t get (or take) the chance to truly explore myself and shape and attack my goals and passions. In a way I’m gain myself back, gaining my freedom back, and am learning what it is like to live “my life”.
It is hard to let go of the past and let the memories of it stay behind me, but as I do leave the past behind me and remove the daily memories from my view, I am finding hope for the things to come. I will, someday, find a connection with someone that will even surpass the love and connection that I shared with Anna, even if at this point I have a hard time ever believing that I will.
Now that things are final, I’m trying to find out who I am and what I want in my life. I realized that for the last 4 years that I was with Anna that I didn’t get (or take) the chance to truly explore myself and shape and attack my goals and passions. In a way I’m gain myself back, gaining my freedom back, and am learning what it is like to live “my life”.
It is hard to let go of the past and let the memories of it stay behind me, but as I do leave the past behind me and remove the daily memories from my view, I am finding hope for the things to come. I will, someday, find a connection with someone that will even surpass the love and connection that I shared with Anna, even if at this point I have a hard time ever believing that I will.
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