Bloodshot

2:29 AM

Eyes shot with blood,
And bloodshot without love.
Thinking sleep won't come,
Heavy eyes draw shut,
And prove to me I'm wrong.

Just Like Dreams

I still see your face in my dreams,
And your smile is like summer never went away.
But there's snow on the ground,
And I'm afraid it's here to stay.

Just like summer...
I wish love never fades away.

But just as the summers fade,
You fade away.
And just as the leaves turn gray,
Your love blows away...
And is covered in snow.

I still lie here awake,
Cause it's too damn cold in this bed.
And I am scared of sleep and fear I'll always be,
Cause in my dreams you still love me.

Just like dreams...
I wish love never fades away.

But just as the dreams fade,
Your love fades away.
And I'm just like the cursed and damned,
Cause you walk away...
And leave me covered in tears.

11/3/09 1:29 AM

Teeth invisible,
Jaws outstretched,
Eyes wide shut.
And still I walk in,
Walk in holding my breath.

Why can't I smell the blood?
The rotting scent of decay?
The victims before me....
Or my own blood,
As it pours from lack of constraint.

Inner Comatose

My curse is on the table
Allow the poison its choice of veins
Cause the numbness is inevitable
As a train - it comes screaming my name

Screaming…
I need this Russian roulette
I need the adrenaline pulsing
I need my heart to pound as my mind begs
To know if this bullets bluffing

Cause the slower I breathe
The easier it is to say I’ve lost my mind
But if I hyperventilate
My logic can’t catch on that I’m a madman

And if I know then the bullet knows too
Even more reason to never breathe slow again

The Bitter Tasting Cure

Cause the blood drips quicker then your lungs can breathe. Maybe there is saving in each breathe. But the breathing can't save the heart that bleeds quicker then a life saving breath. Fuck the hope of living then...
Come friend and taste the cure. The cure of the hopelessness we fight with our open fists of trust. We trust that the fear wont remain and turn the rocks of hate into dust. But fate brings us screaming to the end... The end where we endlessly lust.
We smile cause we can't chase the living ghosts out of us. And we trust.

Seeking Love With Wisdom

I just finished reading "I Am Legend" by Richard Matheson for the second time. Fascinating read. There was a line in it that has echoed and matched my own thoughts and feelings about love and the fears of giving into love's vulnerability ...

"He suddenly realized that he had become an ill-tempered and inveterate bachelor again. He no longer thought about his wife, his child, his past. The present was enough. And he was afraid of the possible demand that he make sacrifices and accept responsibility again. He was afraid of giving out his heart, or removing the chains he had forged around it to keep emotion prisoner. He was afraid of loving again."

And with those fears of seeking and opening up to love again, I try to counter them with the wisdom of my favorite poet - Rumi, "Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it."

One day...

Maybe...

One day...

But until then I will just be content with myself and allow myself the freedom of unbarred adventures. Reach goals and become the sunrise after a very dark and lonely night.

Journal Entry: 10/30/09 1:46 AM

I want the bullet, I want it deep in my chest. Deep till it causes death; death or change.

I want the sun to burn out my eyes. Burn them so I never see again; never see again or start seeing things clearly.

I want sleep to take me to a dark room. A dark room without a door; without a door or with one that leads to you and perfection.

I want to stare at the ceiling and watch it turn red to black as I hold my breath; till this all ends.

Love Cures The Enemy

I see the animals
We talk and know each other
Like the air knows a breeze
And oceans connect and make the sea

Your love’s a waterfall
You smile and curtains of love surround me
Your eyes could cure all disease
Succor the poison, draw it out and set me free

See, see with your eyes closed
You’re blind cause they are open

Dream, dream – cause you’ve been given
The gift to create your world

Fear is the enemy
Fear is the enemy
And love cures the enemy

We’re free without the leash
Without war; without hatred destroying our peace
Our skin is not a disease
It is a symbol that we’re human and should be free

Just as we need air to breathe
We need love to change what we see
So when the sun does goes down
Fear of the darkness dispels as we find ourselves
Find ourselves in the stars

Our world is tangible to our touch
Malleable to the strength of our love

A Thick Wall of Frustration

Patience is a subtle internal substance that is killing me slowly. I try to be patient with my goals and desires but when setbacks hit, some internal force slams against me, seizing my desire to continue to fight for my end-all goals. I know that stress is the trigger to my internal time bomb and that if I could just allow myself to look at the big picture and not just minuet pieces of the puzzle then I would see myself catching the wave and riding it, instead of letting it take me under and drown me.

Day 9: Insomniac Montage of a Sleepless Battleground

Insomniac Montage of a Sleepless Battleground

There is something wrong in my mind.
What could it be? What could it be?
Lack of sleep: disrupting my complacency.

I’m going, I’m going, I’m going crazy.
I’m going, I’m going, outside of my head.

The interdependencies of mind, mind and body,
Clash, clash the curtains viewing reasons to sleep.
The inner machine favors insanity,
So does time as it never stops ticking and ticking,
And ticking - parallel to my mind.

I’m going, I’m going, I’m going crazy.
I’m going, I’m going, outside of my head.

Day 8: Preternatural Connections

It is surreal, the feelings that comes from experiencing a connection with someone at a higher than normal level. The freedom that is shared through unabridged speech and feelings pricks my skin and I yearn for the stimulating conversation to never end. Sometimes the interaction and speech is at a very deep level of intelligence and other times it is a witty and comically offhand level that draws a laughter that is much needed in this decaying world. If you can laugh then you are doing okay. If you can laugh then you know that you are most likely happy (at least momentarily), because it is very, very hard to laugh while in a unhappy state, in fact sometimes I wonder if it even is possible to laugh at something unless you are happy.

As you can see, once again, I’m writing deep into the early morning (nearly a quarter to 4 AM). Will the sleep that my body rejects ever come and revive the part of my mind that desperately needs the rest? My current trends answer no, not unless a very strong sleeping pill is thrown into the equation, which if I can help it I’d prefer not to lean towards that choice.

Day 7: Insomnia Effects

Today as I lay in bed sick, I realized that there are some key components of staying healthy in life that my body has tried to banish that I need back into my life. The biggest and most important one is sleep, followed by regular exercise (this includes eating right).

In high school I developed insomnia (which I have a vague idea of some specify instances that might of triggered it), which is something that I haven’t found an end-all solution to. This insomnia hits me in cycles, sometimes I will have the ability to wind down and sleep normally for a few days or weeks, and then other times I will have trouble sleeping for days, weeks, or months. Since my recent life changing experiences (i.e. divorce), the insomnia has hit me with a lot more driving force and I have been experiencing sleepless night more and more often. I’ve spoken to a doctor about my insomnia (not as the primary subject, the primary subject being the migraines I have and the secondary subject being my insomnia), and he agrees that my insomnia is causing me to have the serve migraines that I have.

I feel like if I could get my life back on a healthy schedule of sleeping right and mix that in with regular exercise then I will start to see my sleep schedule start to get back to a more reliable schedule (not to say that I will not experience the insomnia from time to time). If I can do that, then I think that I might be able to defeat this sickness that I have.

Day 6: Forgiveness in Perspective

Is there any true defined line of tolerance (and or forgiveness) when someone continually wrongs you? I know that answer is no, but at the same time, a strong part of me wants to put off the end result of forgiveness. I know that is part of the “human” nature, and as I am still just a human that will most likely be my initial response to the situation. But the question I have to pose to myself is this: “Is the action that was against me going to really matter in a year, a month, a week, or tomorrow.” If I can answer no to any part of that question then I know that it is a waste of my time not to swallow my pride and just forgive.

Day 5: Insomnia: Gift or Curse?

Sometimes I feel like the night owns me more than the day. During the early part of the morning I feel like I’m walking up a steep hill and then around mid day my energy levels level out and I’m fine, but miraculously, around 11 PM to the early hours of the morning I am hit with a wave of energy. Is this energy that bursts inside me at early hours of the morning a curse or a gift? On my physical body and sleep schedule it is defiantly a hindrance, however, on aspects of out-of-box thinking and creativity, the night has been the yellow brick road to a lot my creativity and self-discoveries.

At times I wish that the day didn’t end at 24 hours and that it was extended another 10 hours. Maybe then I’d take advantage of a fraction of that additional time rest my body (probably not; I have a hard time letting my body rest because there is so much that I could be doing and accomplishing - not to mention that my mind is very active and never slows down).

When the yellow brick road lays before you… Skip down the sucker. When the darkness of night convinces you to shut your eyes… Find the yellow brick road with your eyes closed and… Skip down the sucker. When you are not dreaming you should always be dreaming.

Day 4: The Cliff's Edge

Sometimes it is hard to step away from the edge of a cliff. We first start by leaning our heads almost as to cross the plane of the edge that marks the beginning of the wide open space below; just to catch a glimpse of the view. Then we take a step further (promising ourselves that we will be careful to not get too close so we don’t slip and fall), getting a clear view as we cross the horizontal plane of rock and dirt. What was once hidden from our views now lays wide open before us – beautiful: an ecstasy of sensations pulls through our bodies and pin pricks flush our face, bringing a numbing sensation with it. At this point the rush of indescribable sensations pulsates through our veins and our heart begins to rush in a death march, faster and faster. Before we realize it, the toes of our feet have already crossed the cliff’s edge and we begin questioning ourselves, asking ourselves what it would feel like to jump, to fall through the open air, fall to the end of our existence.

I think that there are times in our lives when we approach the edge of our moral cliffs, sometimes out of sheer curiosity, and sometimes out of the fear of the judgments of others. Sometimes we have already built up a default of command to what we will and will not do. Some of us wouldn’t have even approached the “same” cliff as others might, because they already have already marked that specific “cliff” as dangerous or might have seen someone close to them slip and fall down this specific cliff (maybe surviving the fall and maybe not). But for whatever reason they have already marked it with yellow “danger” tape and kept their distance – that is not to say that there are not other cliffs that are more appealing to them, cliffs that draw the adrenaline rush as this one does to others.

If we don’t analyze our landscape (or lives), from time to time then we find ourselves standing toes-over-edge with cliffs more and more often, until the “inevitable” plunge downward seems too great to resist and we plunge head deep into the abyss below. As we come to (if we ever do) we realized the darkness of the abyss that we are in. We now realize why others have marked this specific cliff edge for themselves as dangerous and we wish we would have marked it too.

Every abyss is filled with darkness (in all cases the darkness is caused because we won’t open our eyes and begin the process of climbing out), but just as there is darkness in the pit of the abyss, there is also a bright light that shines once you cross the lip of the abyss. And though you might not reach the supreme light that exists on the lips edge for sometime there is still light that radiates into the hole (as a rope – sometimes these are friends and loved ones) that can help us through the darkness, through the dim shadows, through the faintest light, until we are strong enough to reach the unshielded light beyond the cliffs edge. Then we are strong enough to mark that cliff “dangerous” with our yellow tape and keep our distance.

Day 3: Action and Reaction

It is amazing the emotional impact that the actions of others and ourselves can have on our progression. I wonder what changes occur inside our minds and bodies that cause us to experience these different moods: sadness, anger, pain, etc. What is it that causes the sensations of pain to target around our heart? Are the sensations of physical pain actually true physical pains or are they only psychological pains?

In either case, maybe the way to remove these “pains” would be best done by replacing them with things opposite to that of pain: happiness, joy, laughter, etc. The hard part about making these physical and internal changes is that something has to be done in order for a change to occur. Once an action has occurred that would cause pain, it is very easy for us to sit back and let the pain continue to eat at us. But if we can and will not allow ourselves to remain stagnant and continue with our lives, then change is very possible.

There are things that we can change and there are things that we have to accept and learn from as we can. Whether these consequences of pain are actual physical pains or psychological pains is not the most important thing, it is whether we are going to stay in these “pains” or if we are going to focus on an escape plan to change what we can.

“The key to change… is to let go of fear.” – Rosanne Cash

“For everything you have missed, you have gained something else, and for everything you gain, you lose something else.” – Ralph Waldo Emerson

Day 2: Happiness vs. Unhappiness

When is it self-evident that we are in a state of joy? Is it when we have all that we desire (as in material items), or can joy be obtained when we are in a state of nothingness? I could already argue that having material possessions will not bring the ultimate happiness that we desire; ultimate happiness only comes from sharing a bond of love between those around us; the ultimate love spawning joy would be the love for someone that we would be willing to give our lives and die for (that is complete selflessness, that is love).

I think that there are three things that need to be apparent in order to reap ultimate happiness and joy.

1. Love of God
2. Love of others
3. Love of self
= Joy and Happiness

As you noticed all of them have to do with love. Where love is, happiness can be there as well. But if you changed the word “love” to fear (not hate, that is a common misconception – fear breeds hate, not the reverse), then we would see the pathway to unhappiness.

1. Fear of God
2. Fear of others
3. Fear of self
= Unhappiness

Day 1 of a New Year

I don’t know what it is exactly, but the fact is that being the odd one out is lonely. I don’t care if you are with some of the closest people in your life, the reality is that when those individuals that you are amongst you are surrounded with a special person in their life and you are left with nothing but yourself you begin to wither inside (unless you can push past the natural feeling of being human and rely on your own self dependence; easier said than done). I’m not stating that having this feeling of loneliness will always be something that takes over the moment, but that it comes when you are in a state of oneness and when it comes it feels like a knife cutting you to the core.

I’ve been up at my grandparent’s cabin, enjoying myself for the most part, but over the last day I’ve been hit overwhelmingly with this feeling inside. Seeing my brothers with their girlfriends and even seeing my parents and uncle and aunt together, happy, and absorbed in the love of the person in their lives. I feel like the moon in the sky without another like moon to share that night sky with. Instead of experiencing a like union, all the connecting stars surround me and I can’t wait for the night to pass so that I can end my awkward presence in the night sky.

Fear is the result of allowing logic to completely control our actions. If we could just allow ourselves to push logic aside enough to allow the seeds of love to be cultivated then we would see a change in our lives. Logic tells us that love is illogical and can only weaken our ability to live freely, but that is a fallacy; love is the only force strong enough to tame the emotions that weaken us. That doesn’t mean that we will never feel the consequences that pains and loss bring, but it will lay a foundation that when they do come we will not build walls that would impede on our progression, but it will allow us to gather up our footing and move on.

I’m still trying to both gather up my footing to move on and I’m trying to be sure that my footing is founded on solid ground; ground that allows me to try and try, without the fear of slipping or tripping as I progress forward. I know that if I can allow my heart to open up, just a little bit, to the impact love can have on the human life, then I will see the seed of love sprout abundant fruit of joy. This will require action; however, action that will require me to do things that would seem a little out of the natural comfort zone of a “normal” human being. By doing so, I will not only reap from the actions of love (producing inward joy), but I will also reap the impact this has on other individuals that this love is directed towards.

Thinking about the duel impact that this has, it has become ever apparent of the value that this could have (if we don’t hide from it and if we do it genuinely for the purpose of good; that can include impacting ourselves – not just the primary beneficiary), we could in a very real sense change the world if we could all catch this vision, catch this fever of love.